Each one of us is unique. Every person sees and relates to the world differently and for this reason, what is mentally healthy includes a wide range of possibilities. Generally speaking, however, people who are able to be successful in their own lives tend to share the following traits.

Self-Esteem

Do you value yourself? While all of us enjoy being praised on occasion, people with a good sense of self-esteem know their own value and don't always rely on others to tell them they are worthwhile.

Life's Challenges

Are you able to "roll with the punches?" Successful people are able to handle challenges at each stage of life, even though they might be temporarily put off by them.

Flexibility

Are you flexible or do you always have to be right? Successful people are able to make mistakes, accept them as mistakes and not moral failings, and admit them readily.

Realistic Expectations

Do you expect too much of yourself? Of others? While successful people can and do set goals to reach for, they are realistic about what they can accomplish and aren't afraid to say no to themselves or others when it's clear the expectation if too great.

Acknowledge Feelings

Are you aware of your feelings? Do you allow yourself to experience them without judging them as good or bad? We all have feelings that may sometimes seem irrational, but successful people are able to acknowledge them and move on, instead of denying their existence.

Accept Responsibility

Can you accept responsibility for what you do or the choices you make? While its human nature to make excuses once in a while, successful people are able to accept responsibility for themselves and their actions. At the same time, they refrain from denying responsibility or blaming others.

Ask for Help

Can you ask for help? Sometimes it's hard for us to admit that we can't solve a problem ourselves, but successful people can ask for and get help if they need it. That's how they struggle and learn to be successful.

Instead of pulling their "old baggage" behind them, successful people get rid of it! If you need some help in doing this, please call me and let's talk about how you can free yourself up for more success.

It doesn't matter what the disagreement is about, or who you are. It makes no difference how big or little your issues appear to be, or how painful, dramatic or intense your confrontations. No matter how heated your arguments are or how icy your silences, no matter how deep your hurt or how strong the blame, the single common thread that runs through every troubled relationship is the powerful, unshakable belief that one of your is better than the other.

Welcome to the Difference Game - where you and your spouse are opponents. One way the Difference Game is unlike other competitions is that the game never really ends.

Your playing piece is whatever particular issue you select as the basis for your judgment. The Difference Game can be played about money, sensitivity, sexual performance or dirty socks on the floor. It makes little difference. In fact you can even change playing pieces in the middle of the match!

"YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I'M UPSET, DO YOU?"

She has sent the children to bed early, and now she's going to greet her husband with a special candlelight dinner as soon as he walks through the door. Of course she knows he's usually tired when he gets home; he likes to be alone for awhile, and he's never very comfortable with these "romantic" evenings. But she blocks all of that from her mind, and instead builds up a lot of expectations that he will react differently this time.

Now here he is. He slogs through the door, exhausted from a workday that was worse than usual. He's been dreaming about flopping into his beg chair and not having to deal with anything or anybody. He just wants to be left alone.

He gives a perfunctory "hi" then he catches sight of the dining room table: Candles, wine glasses, only two plates. With lightning speed he processes this information. "Oh, no," he thinks to himself. "It's one of her romantic dinners.

He's anxious and one the defensive as she puts the pressure on him by flashing an expectant seductive smile He forces a halfhearted grin as he shuffles backward toward the den.

She begins anticipating that after all her work, he'll probably disappoint her again.

He's just getting settled into his chair when she puts her arm around his neck in what she tells herself is a hug, though it feels like a chokehold to him.

She whispers: "I prepared your favorite, and it's just going to be just the two of us."

He knows if he simply says he doesn't want a romantic dinner, he'll seem insensitive. Plus, he knows she'll be disappointed, and he doesn't want to take any responsibility for that. He's got to think fast.

"I just wish you had checked with me first. It was a rough day."

"I wanted it to be a surprise."

"You're always doing this. You make plans for us without even thinking about what I might like, and then you make me look like the bad guy."

Now he's made her responsible for how he feels.

"What did I do? I came home early. I planned a lovely evening. I got everything ready, and somehow that's wrong. It's hopeless. No matter what I do, you just want to be alone in that chair. I give up!"

The game is really going full tilt now. He sits a moment in disgruntled silence. "I'd better try and patch this up," he thinks to himself, even though he'd really rather just stay there and watch TV. He struggles out of his chair, and shuffles after her. It looks as if he's going to shift from the role of most wronged to that of most accommodating.

"Forget it" he says "Let's just have dinner. Do you want me to help?"

"You don't even know why I'm upset, do you?" She asks between sobs.

"How could I? You're just hysterical. You act as if I don't appreciate this, which I never said. I don't know what you want!"

"Of course you don't. Because you never listen to what I want. You'd rather sit in front of the T.V. than talk to me. So go ahead!"

And now she's left the room in tears, temporarily cutting off all communication.

This has been quite a confrontation. So far this game has produced disappointment, anger, resentment, guilt and confusion - all painfully familiar to our two opponents. There's little risk of greater closeness or intimacy now!

In the Difference Game, you argue, discuss and debate any topic except what lies underneath the discussion itself. You never acknowledge that there's a deeper objective to what you're doing to saying. To stop the game, you need to become aware that you are playing the game! In the Difference Game it makes no difference what you do. It will never be enough. Yet you give your partner the impression that if he or she just tries a little harder to change, lets you win this debate, things will get better. In the Difference Game, you never allow the thought that the stance you're taking is wrong; you never entertain the thought "Maybe he or she has a point," or "Am I overreacting to this?"

An intimate relationship is one of the scariest endeavors any of us ever attempts. When you move beyond your difference, and see the sameness you share, intimacy begins. When you leave the Difference Game, you move to the game to mutuality. Put most simply, mutuality involves replacing the old saw about how different you are your mate are with the search for your sameness. Think about it: We all struggle with issues of love and loss, joy and sorrow, pleasure and pain, anger, frustration, worry, defeat, fulfillment and the meaning of life; and we all feel powerless in the face of aging and death.

So how different can you really be?

Real intimacy can exist only within an attitude of mutual acceptance as you expose both acceptable and unacceptable thoughts, feelings and desires to each other . Would the petty fights and hurtful battles continue if you were each honored, accepted and embraced? How much fear, anger and resentment would you and your partner feel in a relationship that was safe, loving and full of trust? It is at this level of sameness that you will find your real connection.

The ultimate goal then is connection - to be one with another person - with all the rejected parts of yourself. You want the intimate connection, but you don't want to subject yourself to the discomfort and exposure required to get there. Until you and your mate risk passing through the door to mutuality, you won't get to the connection you long for on the other side.

The above is intended to stimulate conversation and exploration. I hope it does.

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Love rarely remains all flowers and sweetness. Disagreements, arguments and fighting are natural when two people are trying to put together two approaches to life. More important than what you fight about, is how you fight together. Your style of combat and resolving conflict can mean the difference between whether you remain a committed couple or breakup. Learning how to fight fair is one of the most important lessons you can learn.

Once the fight has ended, it's time to replenish the couple ship and repair the hurt feelings that remain. Fights are like "emotional surgeries" and it is necessary for healing to take place at the closure of the fights. There are three basic ways to approach the healing process:

The following information is not all inclusive and at any signs of depression a qualified Therapist or Doctor should be sought.

Depression: A depressive disorder is a "whole-body" illness, involving your body, moods and thoughts. It affects the way you eat and sleep, the way you feel about yourself, and the way you think about things. A depressive disorder is not a sign of personal weakness or a condition that can be willed or wished away. People with a depressive illness cannot merely "pull themselves together" and get better. Without treatment, symptoms can last for weeks, months, or years. Appropriate treatment, however, can help over 80% of those who suffer from depression.

Not everyone who is depressed experiences every symptom listed below. Some people experience a few symptoms, some many. Also, severity of symptoms varies with each individual.

Symptoms of Depression:

	Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood
	Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
	Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
	Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that you once enjoyed, including sex
	Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
	Appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain
	Decreased energy, fatigue, being "slowed down"
	Thoughts of death or suicide, suicide attempts
	Restlessness, irritability
	Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
	Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain.

Some Causes of Depression:

Some types of depression run in families, indicating that a biological vulnerability can be inherited. However, not everybody with the genetic makeup that causes vulnerability to depression has the disorder. Usually additional factors, possibly a stressful environment are involved in its onset.

Psychological makeup also plays a role in vulnerability to depression. People who have low self-esteem, who consistently view themselves and the world with pessimism, or who are readily overwhelmed by stress are prone to depression.

A serious loss, chronic illness, difficult relationship, financial problem, or any unwelcome change in life patterns can also trigger a depressive episode. Very often, a combination of genetic, psychological, and environmental factors is involved in the onset of a depressive disorder.

Treatments:

A variety of antidepressant medications and psychotherapies can be used to treat depressive disorders. Some people do well with psychotherapy, some with antidepressants. Some do best with combined treatment: medication to gain relatively quick symptom relief and psychotherapy to learn more effective ways to deal with life's problems. Studies show that the very best results are obtained by a combination of psychotherapy and medication.

Helping Yourself:

Depressive disorders make you feel exhausted, worthless, helpless, and hopeless. Such negative thoughts and feelings make some people feel like giving up. It is important to realize that these negative views are part of the depression and typically do not accurately reflect your situation. Negative thinking fades as treatment begins to take effect. In the meantime:

	Exercise provides our bodies with endorphins which are nature's "antidepressant. I recommend you start out slowly, especially if you are not accustomed to exercise. Your goal is 5 minutes to warm up, 20 minutes in a sweat, and 5 minutes to cool down. And, be sure to do an exercise that you enjoy.
	Do not set yourself difficult goals or take on a great deal of responsibility.
	Break large tasks into small ones, set some priorities, and do what you can as you can.
	Do not expect too much from yourself. This will only increase feelings of failure.
	Try to be with other people; it is usually better than being alone.
	Participate in activities that may make you feel better. You might try mild exercise, going to a movie, a ball game, or participating in religious or social activities. Don't over do it or get upset if your mood is not greatly improved right away. Feeling better takes time.
	Do not make major life decisions, such as changing jobs or getting married or divorced without consulting others who know you well and who have a more objective view of your situation. In any case, it is advisable to postpone important decisions until your depression has lifted.
	Do not expect to "snap out" of your depression. People rarely do. Help yourself as much as you can, and do not blame yourself for not being up to par.

Remember, do not accept your negative thinking. It is part of the depression and will disappear as your depression responds to treatment.

Helping the Depressed Person:

The most important thing anyone can do for the depressed person is to help him or her get appropriate diagnosis and treatment. This may involve encouraging the individual to stay with treatment until symptoms begin to abate (several weeks) or to seek different treatment if no improvement occurs. On occasion, it may require making an appointment and accompanying the depressed person to the therapist or doctor. It may also mean monitoring whether the depressed person is taking medication.

The second most important thing is to offer emotional support. This involved understanding, patience, affection, and encouragement. Engage the depressed person in conversation and listen carefully. Do not disparage feelings expressed, but point out realities, and offer hope. Do not ignore remarks about suicide. Always report them to the therapist or doctor.

Invite the depressed person for walks, outings, to the movies, and other activities. Be gently insistent if your invitation is refused. Encourage participation in some activities that once gave pleasure, such as hobbies, sports, religious or cultural activities, but do not push the depressed person to undertake too much too soon. The depressed person needs diversion and company, but too many demands can increase feelings of failure.

Do not accuse the depressed person of faking illness or laziness or expect him or her to "snap out of it." Eventually, with treatment, most depressed people do get better. Keep that in mind, and keep reassuring the depressed person that with time and help, he or she will feel better.

Please keep in mind that someone with severe depression is at high risk for suicide. If you have any concerns or questions, please contact me for a confidential consultation.

Being co-dependent means giving up part or all of yourself to function as an enabler and a caretaker. If you spend a lot of time running away from yourself and hiding in your busy role of helping and taking care of other people, you are in danger of increasing your co-dependent, caretaking and enabling role.

Co-dependents are always busy trying to take care of others. They seem to never have time to take care of themselves. A co-dependent must constantly focus on DOING rather than BEING and an enabling caretaker will eventually create chaos and crises distractions, because he or she is afraid to be alone and feel the pain of discovering one's real self.

People who are very vulnerable to becoming co-dependent are those individuals who grew up in traumatic households where the mechanisms that kept that family together and operating resisted any kind of emotional expression that would weaken the perceived stability of the family. Co-dependents maintain unclear family stability by not allowing themselves to be alone, or with a therapist, in order to express bottom line emotions. For a co-dependent to give up their enabling behavior through deep emotional expression threatens the overall family's dynamics. In other words, the family stays intact at the expense of the co-dependent's "real self." To become a "real self" would threaten the family's disruptive communication channels.

The most vulnerable people are busy housewives, overworked husbands and generally anyone who does not spend time with him or herself, and has a lifestyle and thinking process that consists of running away from their real self and over-focusing on other people. People who are affected are those who are involved with other people who bring them down, make them over-anxious and over-concerned.

Co-dependents do not know what they feel at a deep level because they do not know how to spend time working through their deep core feeling issues. The co-dependent person will eventually become anxious, depressed, and, perhaps, angry at other people and blame them for taking up so much of his/her time and energy. Yet, the co-dependent may refuse to break the cycle of denial by going to a therapist or engaging in recovery in order to feel and resolve their deep early pain. Co-dependents stay blind, repressed and afraid to give up control to their body's natural process of releasing enormous amounts of pain.

Only by ceasing denial and allowing ourselves to fully experience the truth and reality of our early lives can we hope to become free of co- dependency. Reality cannot be medicated away, it can only be resolved by going into our truth, fully feeling it, expressing it, resolving it and becoming clear of it. If you are a busy maker or a busy addict and have no time to work on yourself and are busy taking care of or helping others, maybe it is time to realize that you are in danger of losing yourself and developing symptoms of depression or anxiety.

The following are suggestions for improving your holidays. They may not be easy, but they can be done.

Wishing you and yours very happy stress-free holidays.